by Garret Ean
Nov 4 2012
If there’s ever a time to get political, they tell us that this is it. The 2012 imperial, state, and local elections will be held this coming Tuesday, and with them a new era of egomania.
The most overhyped and least important race to the individual voter should be the US presidential election. The individual has the least amount of sway in that race, and change is never more than a hope for the corrupt charmers who accept the deals necessary to privilege oneself to either of the duopoly party’s factions. By his actions more than his words, the first term of Barack Obama shall be judged. And by considering his active advancement of the military industry, both abroad and domestically through the militarization of police, the dear leader is revealed as a shapeshifter whose original, charming facade of representing peace has faded. Today in Concord, Barack revved the crowd to reminders of his ordered hit on Osama Bin Laden, and generally dodged all foreign policy, incorrectly claiming to have ended the war in Iraq, and citing plans just over the horizon to end conflict in Afghanistan.
Though I digress, because the presidential election is not actually about Barack Obama and Mitt Romney. The election is about who the individual voter feels is the most principled and prepared person to undertake the tasks of the almighty office of the US president. Flocking, many people will select from prescribed candidates of the red and blue team.
I encourage you to select the D or R option if D or R’s candidate is who you actually want to helm the office of chairman of the empire. Penn Jillette can enlighten you as to why there is no such thing as voting against a candidate. It is important to have standards. In this election, simple standards, such as holding politicians to oppose using flying robots to shoot explosives at families of people who might be terrorists, will require individuals who adhere to these principles to either vote third party, or not vote for president. New Hampshire’s ballot is accessible in that write-in candidates can simply be pencilled in on the paper ballot, there are no computers or lever machines such as in foreign jurisdictions. The voter has a total ability to decide their choice of the most qualified candidate for an office. For what it’s worth, state law mandates that votes for living humans be tallied.
Vermin Supreme is a man of the people who has participated in historic protests including both major political party’s national conventions, Occupy Boston, New Hampshire, and Wall Street events, and the NATO Summit in Chicago. He is the only presidential candidate I am aware of who has voluntarily situated himself between young people wearing masks and riot police. Having promised to personally kill the unborn baby Hitler after the discovery of time travel, a rugged man of this sort would not require the hyperbolic entourage of a security detail we’ve come to associate with the office.
I admire aspects of both candidates Gary Johnson (libertarian party) and Jill Stein (green party). Realistically, neither will win, though Johnson is expected to have a good showing in the state, as his name is among the four printed on the ballot, along with Virgil Goode. And Vermin Supreme will not win either. But in deciding on principle, I know that honesty is a principle on which Vermin Supreme can be counted on.
His four plank platform, which includes zombie preparedness, time travel research, mandatory teeth-brushing laws, and a free pony for all US citizens, is a realistic parody of exactly what Mittrack Obamney and his ancestors before him embody. In a few month’s time, when the public begins to collectively breathe the odor of whoever the new administration is, we can expect it to be emanating from a bloated boondoggle of a bureaucrat’s ‘great idea’ gone sour. And whatever that idea might be, it would not compare to the great ideas in Vermin Supreme’s platform.
1) Zombie preparedness could replace the entire national offense budget. Soldiers could come home and stop killing and dying in wars, and the risk of zombie apocalypse would likely drop as a result.
2) Time travel technology would give humans the ability to go into the future, where all the better, cheaper technology is, which can replace jobs. Of all scientific research needs, this seems the most pressing.
3) Ponies are the ultimate economic stimulus. If everyone had a pony, they’d have transportation, fellowship, and in the case of an emergency, food. Vermin has also discussed an economic stimulus associated with building new housing for all of the free ponies.
4) The most fundamentally governmental plank of Vermin’s platform is the coercive plank, the mandatory brushing of teeth. While it’s a violation of an individual’s rights to mandate that they perform an action, just think of all the things today human cattle accept as mandatory and perform without question. Seat belts have been a cause of death in vehicular collisions, and while not brushing your teeth may not be lethal, it can be said that you are not truly living if you are storing partially digested food on your enamel. Nobody’s going to want to be around you!
While these particular planks may not be instituted by the next president, some mutation of each surely will. In this way, we can be sure that some form of vermin will be victorious in this election. It is only if you write in Vermin Supreme that you will have selected the honest one.